Expendable
by UpsidePickle
Summary: Nepeta chooses her last words while finally lucid. T for slight gore? Based on "Serenade"'s cover art.


Expendable.

You wonder if the green liquid around you is grub sauce. You'd find out if you remembered how to move.

Your wrist hurts. Your tummy hurts. Your head hurts, and so do your arms and legs and chest, all the way from your horns to your tiny toes that confuse Equius so much, how small they are. Hm. Equius. He must be hurting right now too – you remember he's dead and doesn't hurt like you do right now. That mean ol' moirail. If you're hurting, shouldn't he hurt as well? That's what soulmates do, share calm and pain. If he's _not_ hurting, shouldn't _you_ not be? He really needs to share that with you. You'd shake your head if you remembered how.

There's some more not-grub-sauce next to you, near your head. How did all of this not-sauce get here? You don't look a gift musclebeast in the mouth, and you remember how to move. At least, one of your arms does. Too bad it's your left that remembers, you're right-handed. You decide take your not-sauce and draw a picture! You love to draw. Equius likes your paintings, at least when you're not shipping! Wait, you're mad at him for not sharing. Hmph.

You settle on drawing Karkitty! Instead of all angry and caps-lock MAD like he usually is (and how you usually draw him), you draw him happy! He looks better when he smiles. You can see his cute little sharp teeth. It'd be _much_ better if he looked at _you_ when he smiled and not Terezi, but you take what you can get.

You draw his messy hair first. Equius hates messy hair; he always tried to brush yours. While your neat little curls would never last long, you liked hearing him try not to curse, while also trying not to rip the hair off your head when he hit bad tangles – wait, you're still mad!

You move on to Karkat's face. Calm, caring eyes – not angry – little smile with pointy teeth. Looking straight at you and smiling.

Suddenly, you feel tired. Should you nap? Oh, you should draw Karkitty like he's going to take a catnap next to you! While you busy yourself with drawing his body, you exhaustedly decide not to be mad at Equius anymore. He didn't mean to not share! It's not like he can comfort you anymore. He's just lying there; he can't come over and have another jam. He's dead.

Oh... your moirail is... dead?

Lucidity takes over. You shouldn't be drawing Karkat. He's not your matesprit or your moirail that'd ACTUALLY catnap next to you. He's...

(oh you're never going to accept it if you don't just scream it to yourself)

"HE'S NEVER EVER _EVER_ GOING TO FEEL ANY KIND OF FLUSHED FOR YOU!" you yell, startled by the appearance and _volume_ of your voice. You fall silent again, scared by the echoes.

You've known it ever since you even noticed your red leanings, but you're just stupid. So stupid.

To him, you are the autistic catgirl, moirails with a sweaty, bigoted fool, and totally, completely capital-E Expendable.

You wonder if he even noticed that Gamzee actually murdered you and Equius. Maybe he thinks Gamzee is only being threatening. If that's not true, then he's so glad you're gone, that he doesn't need to keep either of you safe because of only his conscience. He's glad Terezi is alive, or so, so sad that she isn't. Only for _her_ and not _you _or your_ soulmate._

You shouldn't draw him, you should draw your Equius. The one who got killed just trying to save you. (not to mention you disobeyed him, look what it got you.) Now that you think about it, save _everyone_ on this rock. You remember your last feelings jam, the most heartfelt you've ever experienced together. The glasses of milk he tried to drink right before going to seek the highb100d, all shattered in anxiety.

Especially "D- Goodbye".

You now HATE who you've already drawn. You don't even want to say his name anymore.

You start crying only because you can't remember how to move anymore. You can't erase him. You're STUCK with him, not Equius. What can't Equius nap next to you, why can't you purr and give him a kitty lullaby to fall asleep to?

"Because Equius is DEAD, and _HE_ DOESN'T EVEN CARE!"

You scream so loudly this time, not conscious of the noise.

You can only move enough to draw a heart in blood. That's correct, it's not grub sauce, it's your very own olive green blood that _he _doesn't even care that it's been spilt. That heart may be next to your drawing of him, but you know that it's for Equius. It's for Kanaya, Tavros, Vriska, Aradia, Sollux, Feferi, even Eridan. At least Eridan knows your last name. It's even for Terezi. Everyone who might have cared. It's for everyone but your killer and him.

You die crying because he _just doesn't care_.


End file.
